Category Archives: Humor Central

At least we thought it was funny

Feb 11 12 comments
ext, Humor Central, Papa Prattle

Falling stars

We’ve had a recurring issue in our house the past couple weeks and it involves a perceived shortage in underpants. Let me explain.

Ava, the four year old, has taken to changing her undies several times a day. She’s been potty trained for a good year now and she hasn’t been having accidents. The best we can figure is she likes to feel “fresh”. I believe she thinks she MAY be having an accident but upon investigation there never is one. It doesn’t matter how many times we tell her she doesn’t need to change, she just doesn’t believe it. We expect this is mostly just attention seeking behavior. Between the baby and the two year old being potty trained Ava occasionally feels the need to act out. Some battles you just choose to fight later.

As I mentioned, we’ve been living with this odd behavior for a few weeks. Last night things got interesting. When it came time to change into pajamas it turned out Ava didn’t have any more undies left in her drawer. So, she opted to wear one of her sisters pull-ups instead. Yeah, I shook my head at that one too.

We wound down the remainder of the evening and marched the kids back upstairs for bed. Once Ava was back in her room she again insisted she needed to change. We explained to her there was nothing to change into and it was either the pull-up or sans undies. Her choice. Well, in typical four year old fashion it turns out there was another choice after all. She asked to wear her sisters undies instead. Her two year old sister. My wife and I were tired of arguing with her at this point and let her pick a pair which she quickly threw on and proclaimed them to be “comfy”. Fine. Good. Get in bed.

As she nestled in her bed and I pulled the covers over her she started to complain again.

Ava: These undies are too tight

Dad: Well what did you expect?

Ava: They’re toooo tight

Dad: Do you know why they’re tight?

Ava: No

Dad: Because they were made for a TWO YEAR OLD
at this point my wife is trying to hold back giggling

Dad: What do you suggest we do about this?

Ava: Get more undies?

Dad: Your undies are all in the washing machine and I’m not going to the store to get you more. You wear what you have on, put back on the pull-up or go without. What’s it going to be?

Ava: The pull-up
in the smallest voice you can imagine

We have those glow in the dark stars on the ceiling of the girls room. Just as the covers were being pulled back over Ava one of them let loose and fell on the pillow right next to her. I quickly deduced a “wish” would be a nice way to close out the evening. I told her, “Hey! look at that. You get to make a wish.”

Ava: I wish I had more undies

fallingstars2

I feel someone staring at me at 5 AM. Ava is standing there and upon opening my eyes she says, “pleeeaaassseee Daddy can you see if there are more undies in the dryer now?”

I did. There were. She changed and slept for another hour and a half, in our bed. I, on the other hand, couldn’t fall back to sleep.

Ugh. If only everyone I came in contact with were this focused.

Jan 30 6 comments
Humor Central

If you’re feeling grumpy …

… well, that’s ok.

We go through these phases in our home when songs are king. Just the other day my wife was picking up Ava from Pre-school when the teacher pulled her aside. Never a good sign.

Teacher: Do you know that Ava sings a lot?

Wife: Yes. She sings all the time.

Teacher: Today Ava was singing more of what she had to say than actually saying it.

Wife: Yes, that’s normal too. She and her Dad will have whole days where they don’t really talk to each other. Everything will be in song.

Teacher: Oh. Ok

It’s true. I use this tactic as much for an ornery 4 year old as I do to lighten my own mood. When she decides to be a bit difficult I’ll just start singing my demands to her and she can’t help but be disarmed. Feel free to use this yourself. The ability to carry a tune is entirely optional.

The following is a great standby for those days when everyone is feeling just a bit grumpy.

Dec 02 9 comments
Humor Central, Pointless Posts

Too much family togetherness?

Pantalan2 I have always heard funny stories from my Mom, Dad, Uncles and Aunts regarding life in the Philippines circa 1945-1955. This was always one of my favorites.

After World War II large American and English companies, like International Harvester, Texaco and Smith Bell, started moving into the Philippines for commercial gain. The tiny little seaside villages had no shipping ports, or airports to speak of so the companies contracted with the locals to build gigantic scaffolding, called ‘Pantalans’ in the local vernacular, out of local materials (Bamboo, Rattan and Buri). These were solid Bamboo structures used to load, and unload, cargo from ships. The locals were well versed in the use of these materials since all their homes were made in the same fashion. They were simple folk who lived without everyday amenities we take for granted like running water, indoor plumbing, toilet paper, or electricity.

Everything went well for the first few months after the structure’s completion, but after a short time the scaffolding inexplicably collapsed into the sea. The large companies re-contracted with the locals to rebuild new scaffolding quickly until the scaffolding’s concrete counterparts were finished. Oddly enough, even the new scaffolding ended up falling apart after a few months, and so began the vicious cycle of rebuilding and falling apart. None of the well schooled engineers, with scads of degrees, could figure out what was causing these usually sturdy structures to collapse.

It finally came to light that families living in the local area would meander down to the beach after dinner and climb the scaffolding and, with pants down around their ankles, would perch on the different levels of bamboo beams, hang their rear ends off the side to do their “business”. Stories and conversations were shared in the smoky darkness as the glowing red tips of the grownups’ cigarettes flitted about like fireflies. Sometimes people would even bring guitars and sing and enjoy each other’s company, all while relieving themselves. After they were done, people would twist off pieces of the Buri or Rattan lashing and use it to clean their posteriors (don’t ask me how). Month after month of this “Community Togetherness” depleted the necessary lashings a few inches at a time until the weakened structure would eventually succumb to the laws of Physics and Gravity and plunge into the sea.

Eventually, the concrete piers and docks were completed, the last of the great Bamboo structures fell one last time and the evening escapades of the locals came to an end. All that is left of the Pantalans are these hilarious stories passed down to me over the generations. To this day my Uncle still cannot recount this story without breaking out into laughter due to its absurdity.

I’m all for family bonding, and even neighborhood unity, but I would have to draw the line well before community crapping.

Nov 21 15 comments
Humor Central, Papa Prattle

Fellowship of the Häagen-Dazs

haagen Each evening as the little ones are tucked into their beds invariably Mom or I are called upon to tuck them in one more time. As the favored among us goes about our parental duty the other has a far greater task at hand as they slowly approach the freezer and pull from its heavenly glow the ice cream. The ice cream that no child can truly appreciate. The ice cream that has never known the existence of the descriptors sugar free or low fat. Yes, this is our ice cream.

The role of the other parent is to quietly bring the bowls from the cupboard and fill them to the point of brimming. The flavor of said ice cream is really inconsequential. The true joy lies in the act of eating it. Eating it without children. This is the one thing we don’t share. With anyone.

By the time the chosen one emerges from the children’s room the bowls have already found their way into the basement living room. Side by side they sit on the end table between the couches, and so the only couple of hours we have to ourselves begins. Bliss absolute bliss.

One such evening we hear a sound. Like practiced ninjas the bowls are placed on the table and covered with a napkin as we sit quietly, judging the silence.

Someone is moving.

They are close now.

We hear them stop at the top the stairs and my wife and I share a glance. The glance that says without words, “It’s your turn, isn’t it?”

From the top of the stairs comes the call, “Mom … Dad”.

“You guys are supposed to be in bed. What’s the problem?”

“We can’t sleep.”

“Why not?”

“We hear bowls scraping.”

I blame this on their mother. She hears everything. Next time we’ll eat directly from the container. That must be quieter, right?

Oct 24 12 comments
ext, Humor Central, Papa Prattle

Wishful thinking

A couple of times a week my wife will pick up the thirteen year old for horseback riding lessons. We don’t have a good place to ride on our property so we board her horse at a family members house closer to where she lives. This makes it much more convenient for her to spend all the time she would like with her horse without feeling like she has to get us involved every time.

Fall crept into Michigan several weeks ago and these treks to watch big Sis ride are beginning to take their toll on the little kids. It turns out they aren’t too crazy about sitting outside in the weather for a couple of hours watching someone else have all the fun. Of course my wife always brings things for them to do which is really great for a good 20 minutes. The remaining 100 minutes are up for grabs.

Wishful_thinking

On a recent trip my wife attempted to entertain the girls while big Sis was riding. They set off on a bit of a nature walk, cruising along the edge of the wooded property and eventually made it back around to a small pond. The four year old spied what may have been the last dandelion and quickly plucked it. Raising the dandelion to her lips she blew and the seeds floated away. My wife asked what she wished for and the four year old replied, “I wished we weren’t here”.

I guess we should feel good that she doesn’t hide her feelings.

Sep 30 11 comments
ext, Humor Central, Papa Prattle, Proud Papa

The demise of the citrus flavored ladybug

Our little girl turned one last Saturday. What a momentous occasion. We had friends and family over to celebrate the big event. I thought it turned out great.

cake1 My wife baked her a cake, and I decorated it (our normal routine). She loves cooking, and I love making messes. Our theme for the day was Ladybugs. The cake was a rectangular orange flavored cake covered in Cream Cheese frosting. I used regular white frosting mixed with green, red and black food color to gussy up the cake a little bit. I also made some edible leaves out of green meltable chocolate. The piece-de-resistance was a large, red Ladybug made out of a cupcake. It sat perched on the corner of the main cake, and was to be my daughter’s very own “messy cake”.

We did the normal party stuff. Served food, chit-chatted, mingled, opened presents, and finally, blew out the candle. Little Girl needed big brother’s help with that. Then came the much anticipated devouring of the “messy cake”.

My daughter poked at the cake with trepidation. She pulled her finger back and was surprised to see that the Ladybug’s color was now all over her hand. She squished it around a little bit and put her fingers in her mouth. That was the catalyst. Once she tasted the sweet frosting it was all over. The was frosting and cake crumbs all over her head and hair. She rubbed her eyes and got some in there too.What a mess. We let her enjoy her little cupcake, and when all was said and done she pitched her plate off the high chair and shattered it. Naughty little punk.

The red and black frosting covered her face. The once cute, pixie faced child now looked like an extra from a horror movie. I wiped her down and put her on the floor so she could play with her toys. That night I bathed her before bed and the water in the tub turned pink. I’m still wondering what spots I missed.

messy1

I’m sure she had a tummy ache that night. She was restless and fitful. It could have been all the excitement. It could have been the sugar. I don’t know for sure. One thing I do know is that we now have a pile of battery operated toys with enough KVA to light up a small village. Maybe her letter to Santa this year should include a request for rechargeable batteries, and charging stand.

Aug 13 18 comments
Humor Central

on being resourceful

It can be pretty hilarious, being a parent. I particularly enjoy watching the kids figure things out, identifying ways to get around the system. As Mike mentioned not too long, his littlest girl got around not crawling forward by pointing her back-side at her target. She eventually figured out the forward motion and I can pretty much guarantee that she has continued to work the system and hone her resourcefulness.

When they start walking it isn’t long before a chair amounts to new found freedom, with a bit of thrill seeking, as they reach those places (tabletops and counters) that were the land of mystery a few months prior. Light switches are turned off and on with the aid of a toy or well aimed toss. They learn they can open a closed door by jumping to reach the door knob and then hanging there while wriggling back and forth. The look of pride on their face when they get it is priceless.

It is with this knowledge that I was not wholly surprised by the latest display of resourcefulness as exhibited by our three (soon to be four) year old daughter.

The weather lately has been odd. It was very hot just a couple of weeks ago and this week the evenings have been in the 40’s with highs during the day in the 70’s. This introduces a fine environment for runny noses and stubborn coughs. It seems we have constantly been asking the girl to get a tissue and wipe her nose. This evening she decided to think outside the box and met us at the dinner table like so.

lead-resourceful

Yes, that is a roll of toilet paper around her neck.

I like the way she thinks.

Jul 16 19 comments
Humor Central

No good deed

We try to teach our children right from wrong. Really we do. We also like to sit back and see what they are able to figure out on their own. This last is purely for the entertainment value.

Recently we were all moving from the living room into the kitchen when I saw, from the corner of my eye, our three year old grab something from the hands of her little sister. This was clearly one of those nip it in the bud opportunities so I sprang into action.

Dad: Why did you just take that from her? You know better than to grab things.

Girl: It’s mine

Dad: No it isn’t. That’s a toy you both play with. Now give it back to your sister and ask for it politely.

Girl: Very nicely hands the toy back to her sister and asks,
“may I play with the toy please?”

Little sister: MINE! and runs laughing in the other direction

My wife and I stood there quietly laughing and knowing, just knowing, that there was no other way this could have possibly turned out. Hope, foolish hope, means nothing to a head strong two year old that can see a comedic opening a mile away.