As I set here on a Friday evening I’ve come to the realization that my three year old daughter has taught me more about how to communicate with an executive than anyone or anything else.

• A three year old never hears you the first time you say something. The same is true of the executive.
• When the three year old finally does hear you it doesn’t mean they were listening. Yeah, another executive match.
• When you finally get the three year olds attention it is best to anticipate the questions and answer them before they are asked. What do you know? The executive behaves the same way.There is one key difference here that many rookies don’t pick up on until too late. The three year old is often logical in their line of questioning as long as you can keep them based in reality. The executive? Not so much. It seems that once the executive level is reached so is a reality perspective that is wholly their own. Some call this “vision”, some days it is closer to “illusion”.

My daughter has taught me to never leave any conversation or statement open ended. Something as simple as, “It’s time to brush your teeth.” can lead to some long discussions right before bed time.

Girl: What time is it?

Me: It’s 8:00 at night kiddo, bedtime.

Girl: So is it bedtime or brushing teeth time?

Me: First you have to brush your teeth, and then you go to bed.

Girl: But you said 8:00 is bedtime

Me: It is, but…

Girl: Then I can brush my teeth tomorrow?

Me: You’ll brush your teeth tomorrow too but you need to brush them now. Before bed.

Girl: Oh. OK

Girl: What time is it now? (after teeth are brushed)

Me: It’s 8:15

Girl: hmmm. I missed bedtime. I think Backyardigans is still on!

Me: Um no. Get in your room.

I need to update my resume. Just in case. If I ever have to remind an executive to brush their teeth I might just lose it.

Writing the last blog ( The Golden Torus and The Enchanted Pants) entry brought back memories from when my son was still in diapers and started eating cereal. He was already eating table food, when my wife and I started discussing getting him some fun, sugary cereal as a “dessert treat” of sorts. We both agreed that that would be fine, and that was the last I heard of it.

Weeks later I was on diaper duty when “BLAM”, I came face to face with some of the oddest, scariest looking diaper filling I had ever seen in my life. It was nuclear purple swirled with fluorescent green, and I could swear it was glowing. I shrieked for my wife to come see. I was in a little bit of a panic. I was ready to take him to see the doctor.

My wife looked pensively at the diaper’s contents for a little bit and a smile eventually came to her face. She had recently bought a box of “Buzz Lightyear” Cereal, and he had some earlier that morning. She explained it all to me, showed me the box of cereal and its contents, then chuckled at my reaction.

“Not funny dammit!” I thought he was really sick.

Sure, we laugh at it now, but at that time it really scared me.

“To the diaper pail…..and beyond!”

Our three year old will occasionally employ the “my stomach hurts” stalling technique when going to bed. One such evening she expressed this concern and my wife offered her half of a children’s TUMS. The girl wondered why she couldn’t have the whole thing to which my wife replied, “You don’t need that much magnesium.” This seemed to make perfect sense to the girl as she replied with, “ok Mommy” and off to bed she went.

I imagine many kids have Dr. Seuss or Clifford books occupying the back seat of the car. We have a medical journal or two.

Recently the girl asked her mother what a picture in the journal was. Her mother replied, “That’s part of the brain.”

“Not the whole brain?” the girl asked.

“No. If the brain were cut in half that is what it would look like.” Mom replied. They then went on to discuss the color of the brain and the how it controls action, memory, etc. Amazingly the girl seemed to get it.

It’s hard for me to remember the girl as a baby sometimes. It seems we have been able to have full conversations with her for a very long time even though she’s been with us less than four years.

The other evening I was reaching for a couple of TUMS when a sweet yet commanding voice could be heard just behind me.

“Daddy. Do you really need that much magnesium?”

Yes. She is her mothers daughter.

“They’re down to around 200 feet now.” I said.

“What kind of well are they digging?” My son interjected.

“Well, a water well of course. What other kinds of wells are there?” I said matter-of-factly.

My son said, with DUH intonation and attitude, “Wishing Wells!!!”

I laughed so hard I couldn’t catch a breath. He comes up with some good ones.

We were on the road, headed to a favorite restaurant in the neighboring metropolis. when my son, a baby at that time, started wailing for his milk bottle. Although this was a normal occurrence, we had not planned for him to be hungry so soon.

We are normally well prepared people, but this time we only had powdered formula in the baby bag, but no water to mix it with. Thinking quickly, I pulled into the nearest gas station, ran in the building, and popped back out with a couple of containers of bottled water. One minute and fifty nine seconds later we were on the road again, and my wife was mixing the milk and water, and a few seconds later had a contented kid on our hands.

The restaurant is about 45 miles away, and my wife and I usually converse about everything under the sun on these little jaunts. About 20 minutes into our excursion we noticed that my son was just jibber-jabbering, squealing and laughing like a fiend in the back seat. He normally took naps 2 seconds into a long drive, specially on a full stomach. Not this time. Had he not been buckled in his car seat we would have had baby prints on the windows in the van like a super-ball had been set loose.

After about forty minutes of laughing at his antics I started to grow concerned that he wasn’t slowing down. I asked my wife to check the bottled water to make sure I got water, and not some nouvelle, translucent Espresso.

She gasped as she read the brand name. Caffeinated Water!!! WHAT THE HELL!, WHO NEEDS THAT! I swear we’re putting way too much stuff in natural products these days.

The caffeine finally wore off, and my son’s fine now. Thanks for caring.

Caffeine still has the same effect on him 7 years later; and he’s still got that funny little twitch…..