The other day I was looking through some old school work my three year old daughter had completed. We like to decorate our dining area with whatever art projects she brings home and rotate them out every couple of months. We’ve also started doing this with our two year old as she has become quite addicted to doodling.

While I was going through these gems I came across a mother’s day project. The paper was decorated with imprints of my daughters hands in the shape of a heart and beside the heart it said, “I love my Mom because…”

The purpose of the project was to ask the child this question and record the response. My daughter answered the question with, “I love my Mom because she likes me and loves me too.” I read this previously and thought it was pretty great. Reading it again, at this later date, I still think it is pretty great and also an early indicator that we are working to build friendships with our children in addition to our role of guardian and parent.

In my professional life I have been known to tell more than one person, “I’m not here to make friends. I’m here to do the best job I can for the company.” I think the role of parent can often find the same type of phrase being shared with children, “I understand you’re not crazy about this decision but I have to think about the family as a whole. The decision I’ve made is best for everyone. This is something you’ll understand later. I promise. “

In both the professional and family setting these hard phrases, in my opinion, are what separate the engaged manager from the passive manager. They are what separate the engaged parent from the passive parent. It is far easier to be a friend to your employees and co-workers than it is to be a leader. In the same fashion it is far easier to be your child’s playmate and friend than it is to be their parent.

I do think there is opportunity, and good reason, to be both loved and liked.

In conversations with my wife, when we discuss our future and that of our children, she has often said,  “We will know we did well as parents if they come back.” This lady I married is pretty smart, I think. For these children of ours to come back years later, when they’re job hunting or saving for their first home, would be a real mark of success for us. This is where we come back to the whole idea of “like”. Wouldn’t it be easier for them to come back, and for us to embrace them, if we actually like one another? Our children will always be welcome in our home. No question. The thought of wanting to have them there, and them wanting to be with us, is a pretty nice one though and one that we need to be nurturing now, when they’re young.

This can be a slippery slope because it feels so good to be their friend and not so great to be the disciplinarian or voice of reason. It also feels very nice to witness your child do something of good character that was likely born of an example you set or a word or two you passed along. I find it important to remember this because it encourages and enforces a healthy balance.

The interesting thing about getting your children to like you is that it largely requires the same steps taken to get your existing friends to like you. Treat them with respect. Act fairly even when it means you might be inconvenienced. Be truthful with them (using words appropriate with their age). Help them to understand you are there for them through thick and thin. Lastly, be conscious of the power you have as a parent and don’t abuse it.

For us, our first responsibility to our children is to protect them and steer them through the hills and valleys that life presents with a sound moral and ethical standing. Proverbs 22:6 Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it. We also feel it’s our responsibility to encourage within them a feeling of loyalty and allegiance, not only to their mom and I but to one another. This is no small task and not one that we take lightly.

Love will bring us together time and again. My sincere hope is like will keep us together.