Scar tissue
Mar 28th, 2008 | By Chuck | Category: Papa PrattleUp to a certain age we are the product of our parents experiences. What they went through, or were going through, shaped to some degree the people we have become. Not all parents realize this until it’s too late to appreciate the impact. If you hadn’t really considered this until this moment, consider yourself learned. You can’t unread it.
I look at who I am today and, when I want to be honest with myself, I can see the lines of imperfection that reach far beyond the reflection in the mirror. Occasionally I like to dig into those lines, determine if the scar tissue is still pliable and try and remember what the source was and why it hasn’t just healed.
Relationships are a big deal for me. In this case the word “deal” should be translated as “problem”. This isn’t because I don’t value them. I do. I actually value them with a ferocity, while I am in them. The problem for me comes when a relationship ends, or is nearing an end. I am very much an “out of sight, out of mind” kind of person.
I have an ability to close myself completely to what was and only focus on what is. I no longer see how great the relationship was and only recognize that it is over. I move on. I’m very good at this, or very bad at this. It really depends on perspective and circumstance.
These relationships have covered a wide spectrum during my life; school, co-workers, family. I don’t know anyone today that I knew in school. I’m pretty certain those ties were cut within a year of leaving school. I don’t keep in touch with anyone from previous jobs. I am one of six siblings. I speak to one of my siblings every couple of months; to another, maybe twice a year. I don’t speak with the rest, and have had no contact with them for well over 10 years.
Thank God I have a woman by my side that understands this, that understands me. She has marveled at my seeming lack of understanding when she talks about getting together with friends she knew since childhood; the value their relationships hold and how they persevere. She has also witnessed my own turmoil as I struggle with the relationship I try to maintain with my oldest kids. My life is better because of her and I am so happy she is the mother to our girls and step-mother to my older kids.
I’m sharing this now because I’m a firm believer in the truth that none of us walk alone in our trials. Someone else is, or has been, there and that someone may stumble across this post and take the steps necessary to work toward positive change.
I know this learned behavior is a product of my childhood. I also know that I’m no longer a child, but rather a father to children. I’m a father that sincerely wants his children to know the long term value of friendships and relationships, to embrace them and keep them.
It seems that for this dad some housekeeping is in order.
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Chuck- I always understand yr posts/always relate to something…- I always feel them…Yr voice is so strong in yr writing man! bravo.
amy’s last blog post..And I had a feeling that I belonged
Thank you very much Amy - means a lot.
You know, Chuck, I’m the complete opposite. I’m in touch with a lot of people from my past (don’t forget, too, that women are notoriously more relational in the first place), but also I tend to hold onto some relationships (and the hurts and scars involved) much longer than is healthy for me. I dwell on the loss, I wish to heal broken friendships, I get my feelings hurt when others don’t reciprocate. That’s not good either. Seems like we both need to work on some sort of happy medium.
What a wonderful post. -Karen C.
Lyrics of My Life’s last blog post..A Great Read
Hi Karen - I’ve noticed this difference you mention and have actually used some posts on your site to gain some insight. So, thank you. It’s tough living in one extreme or the other.
Thanks for stopping Karen - I hope the weekend is good to you. - Chuck
Amen, Chuck. I find myself doing the same thing. It is a real effort for me to keep up with the people that I claim to be important in my life, who aren’t directly in my life on a daily basis: my brother, my sisters, my buddies from high school. I’m really grateful that my daughters, who live with their mom mostly, never fail to keep me on my toes nearly every day - calls, text messages, and our weekly dinner visits. It’s hard… but as was said, “to do is to be”, making a habit of keeping up with even just a few relationships on a regular basis can help turn things around for you and make a difference for your kids.
tom’s last blog post..New Teacher
That’s good advice Tom. Thanks. I do have a couple of people I try to stay in touch with that are not directly in my life, as you mention.
Always good to hear from you!
Chuck - what a great post. I tend to be a lot like you. It’s tough to admit or even to recognize that you can be so seemingly cold. But I agree with you - it is a product of where you came for. And I think often times the reason behind it is self preservation. Don’t let anyone get too close and you can’t get hurt. But then I think you are beginning to realize how much you can miss out on as a result. I, too, have examined myself in recent years to ask myself “why” and “what can I do to change this?” I think it becomes even more important when you have kids who need an example of a person who has healthy relationships. I’m right there with you, Chuck. And I’m rooting for you in gaining that better understanding. Always enjoy your perspective.
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SWC, you have absolutely nailed it. I hadn’t quite taken my thought process to the same place you did but you are right, self preservation is at the core of this I believe.
I’m gonna have to think about this. Thank you very much!
We are ALWAYS learning, and always will be until the day we keel over. The trick is to be aware that we’re learning, and not let it go to waste.
This housekeeping you speak of, is I’m sure, just another step along your road.
Xbox4NappyRash’s last blog post..Being a prick (part one)
You are correct sir. I’m just trying to keep oblivion from beating the hell out of learning.
This post hits pretty close to home for me. Two years ago, I moved my wife and kids 800 miles away from everything we knew. We now live in the frozen tundra that is Wisconsin.
I’ve noticed that when the phone rings I don’t pick it up. I have no desire to speak with anybody most of the time. On holidays, I call nobody. I’ve detached myself pretty well from everyone we left behind in NY. Although I’m aware of it, nothing seems to change.
I don’t consciously miss anybody. I miss NY pizza. I miss working from home & raising my kids EVERY DAY ALL DAY, not just after 9 hours of work. I miss Gary at the deli. Can you believe I miss the deli guy more than I miss my family? Or is it safer to miss the deli guy? If I really accept how much I miss my family, how devastating would that be? I’m not inclined to find out, but your blog makes me think that maybe I should.
I get it Chuck. In my own way, I really get it.
Peace,
Joey
http://www.daddybrain.wordpress.com
Joey - Great comment. Thanks for stopping and sharing it.
You said aloud something I didn’t and that is, “I don’t consciously miss anybody” although I certainly imagine that is the perception I left, and rightfully so. That being said, it’s difficult to actually type those words. A little sad, at least for me.
Thanks again - I’ll be checking out daddybrain.wordpress.com
My husband is exactly the same way. He rarely ever speaks of or to anyone from his past, even those people he considered great friends. I, on the other hand, still have friends that I made when I was 9. I think it is because we are so different that we work well together.
It is an interesting statement, though that now, as a father, you hope to instill a love and appreciate of long term friendships in your children. Do you plan to do the same for yourself?
blog hop hop hoppin…
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Hi CableGirl. Thanks for hopping through. My wife sounds like you in this regard. The question you ask is interesting. I think I would like to do the same for myself but it’s difficult from the here and now to see it bearing fruit. I hope I’m wrong.
Thanks for sharing this, Chuck…I’ve faced a lot of the same things, and it takes guts to talk about it in the open. Nice photo too.
Stephen’s last blog post..Convoy. A trucking song. Cool.
Thanks Stephen. Yeah, this is one of those posts that I would have second guessed. eh, it’s cheap therapy.
Hope you’re having a good weekend!
Bravo to you Chuck, for this wonderful expression of self awareness. I really relate to what you’re saying. I experience a mixture of what you’ve described. Many of the folks from the past are out of sight, but I still think about them. Not painful memories, though, just memories.
I do have a few friends from childhood (and we keep in touch regularly), but more fall into the out of sight/out of contact category. When we do connect, though, we pick up right where we left off. Even if it’s been years.
Your post is really making me think about this problem/issue.
What about the fact that you and your wife are really close? Our family is that way and I think our kids recognize and value the strong relationships we all have. But maybe that’s not enough. I don’t know.
I need to ponder this, too.
Thanks for a thought provoking, wonderful post.
soapbox mom’s last blog post..A Great Family Vacation - in San Francisco (!)
Hi sbMom - You also raise an interesting question.
You are right in the fact that my wife and I are very close and I do think this is a powerful positive influence on my children. I also think it CAN be enough but am on the fence with whether or not it SHOULD be enough. I like to think we all can be richer (and make those associated with us richer) through strong lasting relationships. The problem for me is that I have done just fine so far.. I think (it may depend on who you ask). This keeps me from venturing out.. I think.
It is interesting to flesh this out right here.
What a thoughtful post. I have some friendships that are very VERY elastic in nature. We go for long stretches without contact, then snap back as though no time has elapsed. I do wish I saw more of them more often because you are right - kids certainly learn more from what we do than what we say.
Have a happy weekend.
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Hi Tracy - Thanks for the stopping and commenting! Happy weekend to you as well.
It’s quite possible you could have replaced all of the I’s in your post with Ed. And here I thought I was the only one like that.
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Hi Ed - Thanks for stopping. Ya know, I actually ran through the post and replaced the I’s with Ed and I hate to tell you this but, It really sounds like you need some help.
Good weekend to ya!
It took my husband’s love to show my what stability and compassion really are. I am so thankful I have him, and now I know what being a family is all about.
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Hi Momo - thanks for stopping.
Isn’t it amazing how being a parent totally shifts the focus from “this is what I am” to “this is what I should be”? It’s great how you not only could see this, but also see how this could not only enrich your children’s lives, but perhaps your own too. I truly believe that kids make us better people. Good one Chuck!
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I agree completely BusyDad. I’m pretty grateful for the shift, not quite sure where I’d be without having little ones to help keep it real.
As always there is something in your post that calls to me. I think, in this post, it’s that you and Michael have this in common. I guess I’d just say, keep leaning on that strong woman who’s by your side.
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I feel ya man. I can definitely relate. Thanks for being vulnerable - it is a sign of strength. -Jeremy @ Discovering Dad
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Chuck, man….
Dude. I can’t say anything witty or saucy here, because sheesh. It’s like I wrote this.
I have 6 siblings. I talk to ONE maybe once a year, tops. Haven’t said word one to my mother is 16 years. Not one to my father in 2 1/2.
When I walk away, I walk away forever. I am working really hard on NOT teaching my children that lovely little trait.
Thanks for writing this. You, too, are growing on me…
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