“I don’t mean to pry, but…”
These are not the words you want to hear the teacher of your pre-school daughter say when you arrive to pick her up, but they’re the words my wife heard just the other day.
Teacher: “I don’t mean to pry, but has your daughter lost anyone recently?”
Mom: “Ummm No. Why?”
Teacher: “She has been talking a lot lately about her mom or dad dying and going to heaven. She’s also mentioned a couple of pets that have died, as well as talking about Jesus and how he is coming back from heaven.”
Mom: “Oh, that! Yeah, she’s been doing that for the better part of a year. So, does she have anything that should be coming home? Drawings? Projects?”
Our daughter was introduced to death early on (around two years old)when she lost a cat that she loved dearly. Shortly after the cat was gone the neighbor dog made an untimely run across the street. We are pretty close with these neighbors (our kids play together all the time) thus the pain was felt in both households.
In each of these instances we explained that the animals were now in heaven happily chasing one another. This was met with a stare followed by a question.
“Let’s find Jesus and ask for Nikki (our cat) back.”
We explained that it wasn’t that easy.
The girl had apparently been thinking about this because two days later she unleashed the following on us.
Girl: “Jesus is in heaven right?”
Us: “Right”
Girl: “Heaven is above the clouds right?”
Us: “Right”
Girl: “I have an idea! We can use a hot air balloon to bring Nikki back from heaven!”
(Whoa boy)
Us: “No dear, you can’t get to heaven with a hot air balloon.”
Several weeks passed and found grandma coming to the rescue with a kitten. My wife explained that Jesus had given grandma the kitten. The girl replied,
“Oh, if Jesus knows Grandma then Grandma can ask Jesus for Nikki back.”
I kid you not.
Eventually the girl warmed to the now cat then kitten and the two are inseparable; however, she is now left with this real interest in (or acceptance of) death and dying. An interest that occasionally borders on spooky when she talks about she or mom or dad or sister visiting Jesus soon.
So what do you think? How would you handle, or not handle, something like this? I like that she is not scared of death and that Jesus is part of her everyday vocabulary. My gut is telling me not to be concerned. This will play out like so many other things.
I think more harm than good may result when we try to fix something that may not be broken.
*image found on flickr with the following license
Never had this problem before, but since she doesn’t seem to be afraid of death and dying, and that you and her mother are open to discussing it with her in a normal conversation, I would think you’re best response would be to just leave it as is. If you both don’t make a big deal about it, she probably won’t and most likely will grow out of it. Good luck.
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Ah, there is the voice of reason I knew was out there. Thanks Tara. I think that is sound advice. I certainly feel us leaning in that direction.
Go with your gut…listen to her when she talks, answer any questions she may have, but leave it alone. This is actually a very healthy outlook she has and I don’t see any harm coming from it. My children did the same things when they were younger. Unfortunately death is a part of life and children need to process it in their little minds and every child does it differently.
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Very well said Allison. Thanks for taking the time to say it.
Frankly, I think this is great.
She is showing intelligence fitting her age, on a very hard to grasp subject.
As she grows, so will your discussions about it with her.
The same applies (I think) for lots of subjects for kids, adoption, divorce, and like you mention, death. Kids KNOW these things are going on around them and involving them, why not let them learn as much as they need to at the pace they need to.
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No advice for you per se, but it sounds like she has her head on her shoulders right, and that’s a great indicator that you’re doing a fine job raising her.
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Thanks Tom.
@xbox – I think you are right. I especially like, “Kids KNOW these things are going on around them and involving them.” It’s important to remember this solid truth. Thanks.
From a mom whose children have experienced the sudden death of their grandfather, not worrying about how she is dealing or talking about death, Jesus, how to get there is the best course. My husband and I were very honest with our children (then just 4 and 2) about what had happened. Their approach to it is uniquely their own.
I’m blog hopping early because there are so many of us that I can’t get to them all!–HP
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Thanks for commenting HP, always appreciated. You’re right about it being uniquely their own. I’m happy they were able to move through the loss your family experienced. All the best.
I think she seems to have a healthy sense now that those lost to us are in a better place. I wouldn’t get into any more detail if it were my son saying such things, as i think that it’s very easy to make kids paranoid far beyond what we imagine. My son, for example, is TERRIFIED not to brush his teeth every night because he was told at preschool that the Cavity Monster would come pound holes in his teeth while he slept if he didn’t brush before bed. So, I’m not sure that a made-up story or half truth will help, and frankly, sometimes the true truth is too scary. If I were in your place, i’d leave thinsg as they are for now. But then again, I might just be a chicken…
MartiniTime…blog hopping…
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Cavity Monster pounding holes?! What the…
I agree that the truth can be too scary especially when the explanation isn’t all it oughta be.
Sorry..I need to go brush my teeth. NOW.
Hey Chuck. She sounds like such a sweet girl. I wouldn’t worry…especially since she doesn’t seem afraid or upset by it all…it’s just her own way of dealing and it seems very healthy. I think you would need to worry more if she WASN’T talking about it at all. Have a great weekend, k?
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Thanks Karen. This girl says plenty but you are right, we need to watch for what isn’t being said.
I agree with much of what’s already been said. She sounds wonderfully grounded.
Our kids went through a time period where similar conversations dominated our days (or at least nighttime/just before bed when they ask the most profound questions). I think it’s wonderful that she is calm and comfortable with it.
I’d listen to every word and let it be.
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Thanks soapbox mom. She is certainly well grounded. so much so that we are often shocked by her reactions (or lack of) to different events.
I think it’s great that she’s not afraid of death. I wouldn’t be concerned.
I’ve been afraid ever since I was a little girl because my parents didn’t really talk about it…I watched them mourn and grieve over lost ones, but never did they REALLY listen to us or answer our questions seriously. As an adult, I’ve never known how to cope, I just sort of go into shock when loved ones die and try and figure it out myself…
Even when the friend I wrote about died, I had no idea – I was 24. I had millions of questions that I didn’t know the answers to and I was terrified.
That said, I plan on turning it around for my own children when it comes time. Talk with them, not at them, you know? Get down on their level and chat….hopefully, they will get a little more insight and be able to cope a lot better than I did.
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Hi Huckdoll. I think you’re children are lucky that you won’t be repeating the communication woes you had to deal with as a child. It’s really tough to break those cycles sometimes. Kudos to you.
Yeah, I wouldn’t make a big deal out of it either; it will pass and she will focus on something else as she grows and learns new things.
Maureen
Blog Hoppin’
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Thanks for the comment Maureen. We aren’t making a big deal out of it at all. In three short years she has grown in and out of more than clothes. I’m sure this won’t be any different.
I’m with the others. Don’t let it stress you out. More questions will come, and you’ll deal with them, but there’s only so much that can be absorbed at her age.
Blog Hoppin’,
Balancing Hops
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Thanks April. No one stressing here. It is nice to read how everyone perceives this though. Good stuff.
After my uncle died, I made the mistake of telling my son that he died because he was old. Shortly after, he started going up to old people and saying, “You’re old! You died!”
If you figure out how to stop your daughter from talking about death, please, please let me know!
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I think it’s great that she feels the freedom to express herself about death. When I was a kid, I had family on both sides at two extremes. On the one side, my dad and his family didn’t discuss death and it was WAY taboo. On my mom’s side, they are Southern and my grandmother forced me to go to a funeral of someone I didn’t even know…still never discussing it with me. I like that you have this dialogue and openness about it. The fact is that death is a part of living. Eventually she’ll get her arms around the concept a bit more than she has now. But how sweet that she has this idea about the hot air balloon. I love it! Children are so awesome!
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DON”T TOUCH IT. Let it ride out. Soon, she’ll have My Little Pony to keep her mind busy.
I am an atheist and I still told my kids their beloved hamsters all went to heaven. Heaven is good for kids. And death is interesting to them. That’s all it is.
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Thanks for sharing this post.
The post is really interesting, as my kids are not of that age yet, and its really refreshing to hear from a dad’s perspective.
Will be keeping up with your adventures!
ED
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