Fathering, not a spectator sport
Feb 29th, 2008 | By Chuck | Category: Papa Prattle
I’m always a bit hesitant to post topics around divorce. They are depressing, personal, often painful and I’m not real sure anyone digs them anyway; however, most guys out there (Dads in particular) that may be looking for info on divorce and parenting need to hear what is said here.
Just lately there have been some significant challenges in the parenting realm with my oldest kids. Significant enough to make me wonder if I’m royally screwing something up. I won’t go into the details here. It really isn’t necessary.
While driving into work, and stewing over recent events, it dawned on me that I’ve been behind the eight ball all along. In classic guy form, I’m going to put this into a sporting analogy.
Imagine you have worked for years at being a star athlete (pick a team sport). All you have ever wanted was to contribute solidly to the team. Help win some games. The problem is you are only able to practice for the game twice a month, once every couple of weeks. To make matters worse the game occurs without much opportunity for a huddle or pep talk from the side lines. It’s simply game time.
While you might get lucky every now and again, I am betting most plays would be failure ridden. This is not due to any real fault of your own. You practice like a mad person every other weekend but in the end this just isn’t enough. Two weeks is a long time. Plays are rewritten or abandoned all together. Hell, your teammates aren’t even the same all the time and occasionally, now get this, you realize you were practicing for the wrong position on the team.
When divorce is part of the equation, that makes up the role of being Dad, it often means every other weekend visits. Four days a month. Forty-eight days a year.
This analogy falls apart if the sport is Caber toss or log rolling as these aren’t team sports. In a team sport it’s as important to know the people on your team, their strengths and weaknesses, as it is to know the plays. It’s really difficult to know your team when you only see them every other weekend. Even if you’ve been at it for years so much can happen in the off time (over and over again) that shapes the members of the team. If you aren’t in on a key conversation or decision (and the law of averages dictates you won’t be most of the time) you can count on being in the dark for several games as you struggle to play catch up.
I even know guys that only get an opportunity to play in the game a few times a year. In these cases practice is barely a consideration. You just play the best game you can, blindfold and all.
While I know this sporting analogy to be true it is very important that it not be used as a mechanism to cop-out. As in any sport, the losses are truly difficult to bear; but the wins, the wins are why you keep playing the game.
* Spectator image found on Flickr
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I just try and be the best for my team when I get to see them. Sometimes you get it wrong, but you don’t need to make it worse by beating yourself up about it. I just have to get my head out of the dirt and wait for the next pitch.Little Tykes’s last blog post..IBM KidSmart Early Learning Centre
Thanks for the comment, and you are absolutely right. Beating yourself up doesn’t do much good, if any. Unfortunately it is sometimes the product of the circumstance.
Chuck, I really enjoyed this post. I thought it was an insightful analogy on so many levels.
Hope you have a great weekend.
Kim’s last blog post..Project365/19
Thanks Kim. I hope your weekend is great too!
Hey, Chuck. Yeah, the “weekend dad” thing…it’s so not fair. But I have the feeling that if anyone can succeed at it, it’s you. xoxo -Karen
I appreciate that Karen. It means a lot.
You hit the nail square on the head, Chuck. It’s really hard to contribute to the team’s success when you are benched most of the season. But you’re right, we just keep right on going because that’s what we do.
tom’s last blog post..Peer Pressure
Yes it is Tom, yes it is. Thanks for stopping. Have a great weekend!
You know what, that’s a real eye opener.
I can’t speak from experience of parenthood, or divorce either for that matter (I’m really pushing my luck on this one eh ?) but what you say makes perfect sense.
Practice, familiarity, having the time to re-try when things don’t go so well 1st time round. In fact you can push this analogy further to fatherhood in general, even “full time” Dad’s are not going to get it right straight off, but practice and game time makes it easier, makes every turn on the field effortless, every pass an instinctive one. Then hopefully, hopefully the player becomes the best he can in time to still enjoy his career.
Xbox4NappyRash’s last blog post..Sucker For Punishment
xbox - That is an excellent extension to this analogy! Thanks for taking the time to share it. As Mike has said in the past, you are going to be an awesome dad.
As a single mom, I hear you on the hesitancy - however, I know that some other moms out there have benefitted from it, and I agree that it’s better to say it than not.
As for how hard it is, I’m a single mom with full custody and my ex has never been allowed those bi-monthly visits (nor should he). Your kids are lucky to have a dad that cares so much and is willing to take the time and effort into giving it your all - and knowing that the “wins” do come.
Blog Hoppin’,
Balancing Hops
April’s last blog post..Quirk: a peculiar trait, idiosyncracy
Hi April - Thanks for hoppin’ by and thanks for adding to the conversation.
As a kid of divorced parents, I can say this was a great analogy. One other difficulty is when players are traded and they don’t find out until the next game.
Tara R.’s last blog post..Too much information
Hi Tara. It’s always nice to hear from you. Trading players…that is a tough one indeed! Ugh
My parents divorced when I was 15. I lived the “weekend with Dad” life until I went to college. I’m sure my Dad felt the same way that you do, but I (as the kid) was just happy to see my Dad. Even though he didn’t live with me during the week, our expreiences on the weekends helped guide me to be who I am today.
It has to be hard to be a divorced dad and only see your kids every other weekend, but dont be so hard on yourself. While it may look and feel like a grim situation to you, your kids may be just ecstatic to be hangin’ out every other weekend with dear ole’ Dad!
Very good post!!!
Jared’s last blog post..Little Finger Frettin’
Hi Jared - I hope this finds you, the Mrs. and little Ace doing well! I really hope you are right about how they perceive the weekends … more often than not.
Chuck, that post is both depressing and uplifting. The analogy is spot on.
–HP, Blog Hoppers
HP’s last blog post..My Neighborhood
Thanks HP.
You know, Chuck, I myself am a child of a horrid divorce, and my dad only got us for two months every other YEAR. He couldn’t recognize us inbetween visits. My husband and I also split, and (thankfully) barely saved the marriage. He was in another country and went almost one year without seeing our kids, simply because of the distance.
I am going to break feminist mom-code and tell you that i think, I have always thought, that the two-weekends-a-month thing is utter crap, and it drives me absolutely insane to hear about dads constantly, predictably, getting the shaft in divorce.
I just can’t understand why people don’t regard the role of a father as equally important as the role of a mother. They are equally important to kids.
But, I am guessing here, I just bet your kids are going to walk away from all this just fine. I bet you’re a great enough dad to get in in when you can.
Mr Lady’s last blog post..Better than a fortune teller
Lady - You are beginning to wear on me, in a good way.
Thanks for sharing what you have. Hopefully the keepers of the mom code will forgive this trespass. 
I try to remind myself that the two week deal is the best of a pretty rotten situation. Your example makes that pretty clear too.
Ironically it is harder the older the kids get. I have really been trying to do things right for an awful long time. There is so much history here (isn’t there always).
Well said. I am new here, blog hopping and I must say, as twice divorced, four kids from three husbands…it is hard. My older two boys opted to live with their dad, when I remarried my husband now. It broke my heart and I too only see my 14 year old, once every two weeks. Now that my 17 year old is working part time, I am lucky to see him once every couple of months. I just try to make the best of the time that I do have. Thanks for sharing such an insightful post.
Bloghopping…
Dixiechick
Dixiechick’s last blog post..FRIDAY FUNNY! MIDWEST CELEBRITIES….
Welcome Dixiechick, and thanks for taking the time to comment! It’s tough isn’t it? I’m in the same boat with my 17 year old son. Between work, school, sports and the girlfriend we don’t see him much at all. Once every couple of months sounds about right.
I can’t even imagine how hard it must be to only see your child/children every other weekend. Like Mr Lady, I have to say that the way the courts deal with visitation is less than ideal. A father is sooo important in a childs life.
I also think that many women tend to use a limited visitation schedule as a way to take a cheap shot at her soon to be ex husband. Using the kids against each other in a divorce is not cool. Just sayin’.
Great post!!
LunaNik’s last blog post..What do ya mean just leave him alone???
Hi Lunanik. Thanks for sharing your opinion. It really is good to hear it.
I haven’t experienced divorce, first-hand, but this post–I have to say–is just so raw, analogy and all. I commend you for it, friend!
Secret Agent Mama’s last blog post..Project 365 (191/365)
Thanks M. These posts kind of sneak up on me. The nature of what they reveal is surprising even to me.
Chuck, that was the best analogy ever. So right on in every way. As you may or may not know, I’ve been struggling with the possibility of divorce for some time now. I’m trying my absolute best to stay in the game because my son needs a teammate there for him throughout all the plays in his life, not just the glory-filled touchdowns. Thanks for validating my decision. The 48 days a year with no practice really hit it home for me.
BusyDad’s last blog post..Leap of Faith #5: Let’s Get Comical
Hang in there BusyDad. Thanks so much for commenting. You may have been who it was written for. Peace.
Chuck, even us players who are on the team and play with them everyday still can’t get things rights. This parenting thing is the hardest game I’ve ever played. I can’t imagine if my only opportunity arose every other weekend. That seems impossible to me. Thank goodness for the folks who still make an attempt, even though it’s a hard situation.
Momo Fali’s last blog post..Oprah Cliffs Notes II
Hey Momo. I know what you’re saying. I do have two little girls at home (in case anyone forgot)
. The seemingly impossibility of it all can certainly weigh one down.
Chuck-
yr really insightful and such a good writer man! I enjoyed this post and yr personal voice. xo amy
amy’s last blog post..Sometimes I lead sometimes I follow
Amy, thanks for the comment and the compliment.
I like the sports analogy. I have a teenage daughter from my first marriage who is almost 14-years-old now. Even with consistent visitation and joint custody, it’s just not the same as having her with me all of the time. It’s hard on everyone to not get the “practice” time. I’ve been remarried now for almost 10 years, and my daughter only remembers me and my wife being together. When friends of mine have asked me my advice about divorce as a solution, I always make sure to tell the truth about the difficulties and impact of not seeing your kids every day. It may not eliminate the possibility of divorce, but it’s important to recognize that while one set of problems may seem to be resolved by divorce, you are effectively trading those problems for a whole new set of challenges.
Jeremy Neal’s last blog post..Five Decisions Expectant Fathers Tend to Avoid
Well said Jeremy. This comment is a nice contribution to the post.
Thanks for commenting and welcome!
Chuck - thank you for this post. While I’m not much a sports person, I get the analogy and I love it. I am a child of divorce. My parents got a divorce when I was 3 1/2 years old. I want you to know that the best thing that you can do as a parent is to make sure that your kids know how much you love, how much you value them, how much you want to see them every day. My mom took off on me and my brother when we were really young and would call us sporadically. My dad, despite making plenty of his own mistakes, did a good job of at least letting me know that he loved me. For this reason, I grew up feeling love from someone. And I needed maybe a little extra because I wasn’t getting it from my mom. So I guess what I’m trying to say is that even though divorce is obviously not an ideal situation, you have it within your control to do all that you can to show those kids how much you value them by putting them first and loving them and making good choices in your life to lead by example.
This post really hit me. Thank you for being a good dad who cares.
SWC’s last blog post..Week Two - Veggie Girl!
Thanks SWC. Your comment means a lot. It is really important to get some validation from someone who has been there!
Chuck
Because I spent the first year of separation trying to work out who and what I was, I dropped the ball with my kids for a while. Sometimes it is easy to spend the time regretting decisions rather than enjoying the moment with them. Thanks for the reminder.
Loz’s last blog post..They Don’t Understand