On health and stretch marks
Jan 29th, 2008 | By Mike | Category: Humor Central, Papa Prattle, Public ServiceA few years ago I finally got into the habit of going to a doctor for checkups once a year whether I needed it or not. I just thought it was important at this stage in my life if wanted to live a long healthy life and see my kids grow into adulthood.
The doctor I started seeing was recommended to me by my uncle, a retired doctor himself. My uncle sang his praises and told me that this doctor had so many patients, and was so sought after, that I could only become a patient if a current patient recommended me, or pleaded my case. It sounded like a ringing endorsement to me at that time.
WOW, what an eye opener (among other things)! After the first visit he managed to make me feel completely humiliated. This new doctor had all the bedside manner of a dead squid. He was a towering individual with a large, booming voice and equally massive hands. Oh, he was a Navy Seal at some point in his life too. Bonus!
Now, the rule of thumb is to start getting yearly colon exams after your 40th birthday, specially if colon cancer runs in your family. Dr. Badfinger (my pet name for him in family circles) took every opportunity to do these exams, even back when I was in my early thirties. Ear ache? Drop your pants! Nasty Cough? Drop your pants? Sleep Apnea? Pinkeye? Dandruff? Drop your pants! Drop your pants! Drop your pants! He seemed to take delight in checking my tonsils from the wrong end as often as possible. It was getting to the point that I was getting these impromptu “exams” 2-4 times a year, and I wasn’t even getting the benefit of a dinner and a movie. I felt cheap.
At a family gathering I mentioned Dr. Badfinger’s affinity for these cheek stretching sessions to my Uncle, Brother, and Brother-In-Law since we were all his patients (sadly, no topic is taboo in my family) and to my dismay, found out that they too walked funny every time they left his office, regardless of the reason for the visit. In the course of our conversation I found out that each one of these traitorous cowards had secretly found other kinder, gentler doctors, and didn’t even have the decency to notify each other, or me. I felt betrayed.
After a 2 year hiatus from doctor visits (I needed time to heal, physically and mentally) I decided to finally bite the bullet and find myself a new doctor. My wife and I decided it would be best if I started seeing her doctor for a number of reasons. We might as well have one family doctor so as to simplify the billing, and more importantly with this new doctor……..small hands. 
Find yourselves good, honest doctors. Don’t find one that tells you what you want to hear. Be honest about your physical condition, both to your doctor and to yourself. Live long enough to be a burden to your children.
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Dr. Badfinger…that is the funniest shit I have ever read.
I’m sorry you had such a horrible experience…erm, I mean experiences…with your doctor. Hopefully Dr. Smallhands will be much more gentle.
LunaNik’s last blog post..Gracias
It’s not that funny when you’re on the recieving end.
YES - GET A GOOD DOCTOR! I finally had to give in and stop driving an hour each way to go to a great nephrologist. I was on the verge of crying. A good doctor makes all the difference.
That being said, that nickname is incredibly funny!
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@ RobMonroe,
If he/she (the Nephrologist) was that good, and you were happy with his/her service, then an hour each way would be perfectly acceptable in my book; But that’s a personal choice.
I hope you’ve found someone that can fill his/her shoes.
You should see me shaking my head, Mike. Seriously.
I’m glad you have healed enough to share this with the class.
Time for a group hug, ya’ll.
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@ Secret Agent Mama,
Shaking your head - as in - “I feel bad for him”, or
Shaking your head - as in - “I can’t believe he wrote that”?
Either way, thanks for the hug.
Yuck…this borders on sick!!! I am so glad you found a new doctor!!
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@ Alison,
Unfortunately that’s me in a nutshell. Always straddling the line between good sense and bad taste.
I did, however, want to convey to the readers that their health is paramount. If anyone is not satisfied with their doctor, then find a new one. You are the only one that will benefit from a change. Suffering in silence will not benefit anybody.
Thanks for commenting.
Yikes! I was always told one probe a year was more than enough.
Did you ever see Fletch? I laughed when Chevy Chase had to visit “Dr. Jellyfinger.”
Jeff’s last blog post..Dan Dan he’s our man!
@ Jeff,
Yep. Fletch was a great favorite of mine.
The song “Moon River” always came to mind as I was in the waiting room.
That was too funny… I too switched Doctors this year, but am now at the age where the Dr gets a little more personal… My new Dr is a small woman with small hands…
Doing a little Blog Hopping when I have a little time and not dozing off due to 2 active boys, a new baby and no sleep…
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@ A Man Among Mommies,
Glad you liked it. Lucky you with the smaller hands.
We’ve got a 4 month old baby as well. Congratulations on your little one. All the more reason to stay on this earth a little longer, eh?!
I am overdue to get my test, not looking forward to it, really should get in. Gotta figure out which doc is going to do it. Maybe I will also see who has the smallest fingers.
Married Leos’s last blog post..Teenagers can be a pain in the ass!
I can’t believe that doctor! Craziness! I’m not a guy (obviously), but I think after having the 2nd one in a year, I’d be finding a new doctor! lol.
@Married Leos,
Get it done! Look for a nice 4′ 9″ female doctor. Smallest possible hands.
@Ashley Sanders,
You’re making me feel like Joey, on “Friends”, in the episode with Joey’s long time tailor/haberdasher.
Joey was getting some pants made and got Chandler to come along. Chandler decided to get some pants made too, and during the measuring process got his “stuff” manhandled a little too frequently. Joey thought it was normal and had been getting pants made for years.
Go ahead and rub it in.
[...] Pucker up when you read about Mike’s experiences with Dr. Badfinger… http://www.disfordad.com/2008/01/29/on-health-and-stretch-marks/ [...]
lol uncle rico had to go to him the day alix left for cali
@”My” daughter,
Huh!? I thought he too had found a new physician. What a glutton for punishment. Better him than me, I guess.
awww i can imagine the pain bt glad u have decide to find the doctor that reallysuits the healthcare needs of the whole family.
am now 35 bt havent had a doctor yet that oversees my total health being. just lately i went to a skin specialist but i dont like the way she treats me..so i thouht of never going back there anymore.
arlene’s last blog post..Recent Movie the Family Enjoyed
@arlene,
There was really no pain to speak of, just discomfort. I was more affected by the humiliation than anything else.
Welcome, and thanks for commenting.
Are you forreal? Did you sue, press charges, tried to get him disbarred or his license revoked?
This post was meant to be light hearted, and show people that regardless of the humiliation of the things you have to go through to stay healthy, your health is still paramount. Being around for a long time to see your children grow to adulthood was the “moral” of this story.
Please understand, the doctor broke no laws. His only faults were the gargantuan proportions and his hands, and his brusque manner with patients. He happens to be a doctor that specializes in the elderly, and he was just following the medical checkups and procedures set up for that age bracket. I am not in that age bracket, but he did not change his procedures for a person my age.