A daddy to little girls
Jan 11th, 2008 | By Chuck | Category: Papa Prattle, Public ServiceI’ve been spending a lot of time lately thinking about what it means to be a daddy to so many little girls. This isn’t something I’m new to. My oldest daughter will be celebrating her 13th birthday in a few short weeks.
I’m the sensitive dad, always have been. I have always been fully aware that the role I play in the life of my little girls is shaping their idea of what and who a man should be. This is serious business.
It seems so ridiculously elementary but we daddy’s to little girls have to be aware of our impact. We have to know that the characteristics we embody will be largely echoed in the boys and men our girls are attracted to. Unfortunately, this includes the bad characteristics as well.
It was really difficult to write that sentence. You know, the one with “attracted” and “boys”. I get tense just thinking about it. It would be easy now to spin off into some tirade about shotguns and chastity belts and end this post with a laugh but as I said, this is serious business
How do you treat your wife, or ex-wife, or partner? How about women in general?
Are you respectful, courteous and kind; because your girls are watching even when you don’t think they are (sometimes, especially when you don’t think they are). Being respectful, courteous and kind is not always easy, I know, but you can keep yourself in check by working to recognize when you aren’t behaving this way and correcting the behavior. It isn’t hard but it does require you to check your pride, and we certainly can have a problem with pride.
How you treat the women in your life will have a huge influence on how your little girl will expect to be treated by the men in her life.
Read that last sentence again please. This is a big deal. I’ll wait.
…
Thanks.
How do you respond to your girls?
It begins when they are very young. A little girl seeks the approval of her daddy in a way that is different. I can remember my second daughter, just shy of two years old, running down the hallway with her “princess dress” flowing behind her. She had a tiara in her hair and upon reaching me asked, “Am I pretty Daddy?” The look on her face clearly showed the answer she needed to hear, “Of course you are sweetie. You’re beautiful.”
Later it gets much more difficult.
Listen guys, you need to prepare yourself for the big questions and experiences that are in your daughters future. My oldest daughter recently experienced THE change that marks the transition from little girl to young lady. Don’t make me spell it out, please. Thanks to my lovely wife giving me some great advice this transition did not turn into some overly awkward experience between my young lady and I. Here it is.
Your daughter knows at this point that something has changed that is going to cause more changes. She is likely pretty scared about this despite how well she may or may not be handling it. It is crucial right now that she knows she is still your little girl. You need to tell her you love her and continue to treat her the way you’ve always treated her. You also need to be talking to the woman in your life because she’ll help to keep you from screwing this up.
Like a Rock, standing arrow straight …
Your girls need to know you are there for them. They need to know you are strong and capable of protecting them. This doesn’t mean you need to bulk up and start drinking protein shakes; however, it does mean that you aren’t afraid to stand up for what you believe in and what she believes in. This means that you comfort and encourage her when the mean girls get a little too mean. It means you defend her, and you never stop.
I’d like to speak to the divorced dad’s for a moment.
I believe that many times a daughters feelings of vulnerability can be directly related to a fathers pain.
You need to understand that children know when you’re in pain. Sometimes there is no worse pain than that of a divorce or break-up. I think that as a result of this, and depending on the age of your little girl when the split occurred, your daughter may feel like she needs to take care of you or that you may not be able to take care of her.
The best you can do to combat this is get back on your feet, move forward, let go of the anger, let go of the pain. I’m not sharing this with the expectation that it will be easy. It isn’t. You need to remember, through the chaos, that your little girl needs her daddy.
……………………
OK, that was pretty heavy, or at least I thought so. It would be great to hear in the comments what you might add to these few points.
Women, how did your father make you feel secure, strong and confident? What would you add?
Guys, what can you add to this?
Chuck, I have nothing but respect for you right now. Really. So many dads these days just don’t get it….if your little girls don’t get love from you, they’ll find it from another man, but in the backseat of their car. Ug.
Thanks for a really, really well-written post. My husband gets all this, luckily, but I’m still gonna show him this post.
Great post, Chuck.
Veering slightly off-topic, one point you make applies equally to raising boys:
“How do you treat your wife, or ex-wife, or partner? How about women in general?”
In addition to teaching our daughters how they should expect to be treated, we’re teaching our sons how to treat women. I find that I argue with my wife using the same defense mechanisms that my father did. (It’s uncanny sometimes.) While hard work can change this, it seems sort of hard-wired as the default settings.
Substantial and informative.
Luckily for me, THE change has already ocurred in my oldest daughter. We’ve had the uncomfortable talk, and I’m happy that it is behind me. Unluckily for me this means that the challenges in Daddy-ing have gotten just a little more complicated.
Chuck
It is so awesome to see you take on the responsibility of both parenting AND loving your daughters. You are so correct about how you treat them, and their Mothers now, will impact them all the rest of their lives, and yours in the long run.
Today would have been my Dad’s 83rd birthday and I’ve been thinking a lot about him. When I look back at my childhood and go through the “shoulda, coulda, woulda’s” of my Dad’s parenting skills (or lack there of) I find it still hurts, regardless of how many years have past. I know he knew he had made mistakes that couldn’t be undone and regretted it. Again, I am so glad you’re aware of your influence on them and obviously cherish the duty you have been given as a DADDY!! You Go Dad!!!
@Karen – Thank you. I’m happy for you that Doug gets it!
@Patrick – You are absolutely right. I was thinking the same thing as I was putting this together. Thanks for sharing it.
@Mike – It’s much easier before the EVENT isn’t it? My whole strategy is changing.
@Beth – Thanks for commenting. I know that hasn’t been easy for you, but you have to know that you are stronger than you realize. I pray that each year lessens the pain and strengthens you.
I have to say you are absolutely RIGHT ON the money with this post!
Our girls are 13 and 11..the oldest having experienced THE change at 11 and seeing our middle daughter showing the signs that it will be soon.
We have shared the responsibility of, “THE TALK”, and started educating them at an early age so they are both very comfortable talking to us about anything…sometimes too comfortable! 
They are fortunate that their Daddy completely gets this. It’s so, “the norm”, for us that I think we forget that it’s a struggle for a lot. My husband is very caring, loving, open and extremely easy to talk to. Always telling them how beautiful and sweet and incredibly intelligent they are and backing them in every direction they take off in. He treats me equally so and it’s definitely rubbed off on my 8 year old son for he shows me the same love and respect. Says, “Mom you always look beautiful and you always smell so good!” I would have to say I never had this kind of relationship with my own father.
My Dad was 18 when I was born and had an unusual upbringing himself. They say daughters tend to seek out a man a lot like their father but I have to say I did the complete opposite and thankfully so!! My girls adore their Daddy but they haven’t had a chance to review the DATING MY DAUGHTER APPLICATION that he has recently written.
The cold hard truth, as I know it.
I didn’t have a Dad growing up… actually I still don’t. But, what I came to know for sure when I finally grew up, is that girls get their self esteem and self confidence from their Dad. They do, it’s the way it is… the grand design. The sad part about that is that most girls won’t ever realize that, or appreciate that, unless they didn’t have a Dad.
Your girls are blessed beyong measure to have a Dad that thinks the way you do about loving them. They are going to be amazing women, thanks to their Dad. Rest assured.
Piper of Love’s last blog post..Do You Ever?
I can’t really add anything by virtue of the fact that I only have one son. But I can say thanks for the insight, as I have a 50-50 chance that someday I will have more kids and a 50-50 chance that kid will be a girl. Let me ask you – is it harder for a dad to raise a girl? I know that with my son, I can just be me, since that kid is really just a mini me. But with a girl, do you find yourself having to stop and think before you speak or act, because this child of yours is going to be going through life with a completely different experience and perspective than you did??
(BTW, I have adopted a more fitting moniker for Friday nites)
BuzzeeDad’s last blog post..You and Meme and the Bottle Makes Three Tonight
@Piper – Thanks for the comment! You’re right. The fathers role is part of the grand design.
I like to think that children, if given the proper foundation, will recognize the parents role.
I didn’t have a father either, growing up or today. I think this truth certainly does some heart hardening that has to be worked through. For many I think it is simply to hard to deal with. I think this has alot to do with the never ending cycles of divorce seen in some families. It is so unfortunate.
@BuzzeeDad – Thanks for commenting. You asked,
Great questions! The straight up answer to the ‘harder’ question is, it depends on the day. It is certainly different. There have been many difficulties having a 17 year old son as well. Sometimes these make the challenges with a daughter look easy.
Sometimes the stopping and thinking bit happens just as you described it. Unfortunately it probably doesn’t happen as often as it could. If a father is able to understand just what you spelled out, “… this child of yours is going to be going through life with a completely different experience and perspective than you did..”, they will likely have reached (or be able to reach) a level of awareness with their daughter(s) that will only strengthen the relationship. This is precisely where we, as daddy’s of little girls, need to work to get to.
Great observation!
I have already begun to picture the day I have to meet “him”. All you can do is put your faith in the knowledge that you’ve done the best you can. (And put your shotgun within arms reach!)
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What a great post. I believe I will be forwarding this off to hubby. We have a 2yr old daughter, and he does a great job, but there are many things you mention that are great tips
I couldn’t agree more that the way dads treat women in their lives is how their girls expect to be treated in relationships. Because frankly, my father takes my mom for granted, and walks all over her. Sadly, this is something every man I dated did to me. Until finally I decided to marry the one man that was a complete 180 from my father
Killer Tofu’s last blog post..Get The Skinny In a Mini
“How you treat the women in your life will have a huge influence on how your little girl will expect to be treated by the men in her life.”
Those are words of gold. My daughter (11 years younger than yours) will hopefully be drawn towards the man I am today and not the boy I was as a teenager. Sometimes (not often, though) as a teenager I forgot that I might have a daughter someday.
:beer:
My dad was my friend and my touchstone. He died when I was 18 and I am forever changed. I still miss him … 30 years later.
Catherine, the redhead
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I would love to see that Dating My Daughter Application. Mine is only seven months old, but all of the things your post is about have been on my mind for a long time.
My father was not a source of parenting, and my step-dad was abusive. Lucky for me I ended up learning from my grandfather, an amazing man that I love and respect. He taught me how to treat people, and I know I will pass that down to Abby.
RobMonroe’s last blog post..Raw Behind
Dude, I think about dad-daughter topics constantly being a stay at home dad I consider my impact on their lives constantly. I agree that our role is immense and it starts with my relationship with my wife and how I show her respect and love. I want them to know what a good husband, father and friend is first hand. I am with you man, I am with you.
Chuck.. I wish I could hug you right now. I was intriqued by the title of the post because as a girl/women now that grew up in a household without a father around there were alarming difference between my girlfriends that did have a dad around. And it is not so much that my mom or any single mom does a poor job raising a little girl. That is not the fact at all, my mom is bad ass and did a great job. But there is something missing, a void that you do (no matter how strong you are).
What a GREAT post, and your girls are VERY Lucky..
Kim’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday – Volume 1
Chuck, you are the man! This post was great, and every father should read it.
Secret Agent Mama’s last blog post..Project 365 (146/365)
I don’t have daughters (3 boys instead) but my brothers do have several daughters between them. I sent them your blog to read and they agreed with a lot of it. However, what they said, that you didn’t mention, was that you need to be yourself as well, your daughters need to see you doing ‘men’ things and that it is a good idea to involve them in traditional ‘guy’ activities.
Regarding THE change, they felt you (and other commenters) are too sensitive about it. They are beginning to MENSTRUATE, my brothers wives also commented on this “why doesn’t he just use the word ‘period or menstruation’, why is he being coy about it?”. Maybe it’s just an American thing but everyone felt that by using a round-about word to describe that transition from girl to woman was harmful. Maybe your wife gave a far more detailed description of the process and let you have the ‘less stressful’ pat of the explanation to make you feel better.
On a different note I am going to have to explain to my eldest son soon about why his wee-wee goes hard sometimes….
If you can give me any advice on that I’d appreciate it.
@Milander – Thanks for commenting and for passing the site on to your brothers.
Your brothers make some good points. In reference to daughters needing to see men do “men things”, I agree. The reason I didn’t mention it is because I rarely see this as an issue with Dad’s and their daughters. More often it is that Dad’s don’t share in the “girl things” nor do they see why this is important.
Regarding “THE change” and my sensitivity about it, I did mention in the beginning of the post that I’m the sensitive Dad, always have been. When we speak to my eldest daughter we use the proper terms, my wife is a nurse so we have a pretty decent handle on how to explain these things. I used “THE change” here because the intended audience for this post is fathers. Had I been writing to daughters I may have used other terms. I have yet to hear from anyone that did not know what I was referring to by “THE change”, again… consider the intended audience. As far as it maybe being an American thing, maybe it is. I don’t really know. At the end of the day I will usually err on the side of sensitivity, where my children are concerned.
In reference to your challenge..
If it were me I’d not refer to it as a wee-wee. We prefer using the proper term when speaking with our kids.
There are certainly a lot of resources online. Google, other parents or your local library will be your best resource.
Family planning – puberty for parents
Article discussing puberty written by a parent that has been there.
Best of luck to you!
@chuck, thanks for that, I appreciate the fact that sensitivity may be needed given the audience who would read this… sorry, my brain not in gear perhaps
On the other hand I wrote wee-wee rather than what I’d normally refer to it as in deference to the audience too… what can I say? I’m guilty too.
Thanks for the links, I’ll be reading them soon. Best Wishes to you and your children, Take care.
Chas – Wow. I’m in love. I’m in love with your philosophy – with the fact that you have THOUGHT about this. I’m forwarding to my hub. Thank you for being sensitive when you need to and strong the other times. You’re an amazing dad. I grew up with a divorced family, but my dad always instilled in me that I was strong, brilliant, beautiful, capable of anything, and like Piper said, it made a huge difference… in fact all the difference. I’m not sure I noticed that until now. But she’s right. My dad was my everything for so long – everything he thought of me shaped me and motivated me… even in a divorced household.
Anyhow, thanks for visiting me and commenting. It’s SO nice to get a guy’s perspective! PLEASE come again – I’d love to hear what you have to say.
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This is the most pivotal relationship for any girl! I hope that many take cognisance of your article. A failed relationship with Dad will plague a young girl and become a source of pain for a young woman. My father told me from the day I was born, that educating a woman was a waste since we only existed a tools of procreation. However I paid for my own education and have been running a business for 10 years. I have bought my own house (the first woman in my family to do so), yet I am reluctant to settle down. I see my father in the men I date, I keep searching for something I know I will never find.
Excellent advice for dads. Daughters need their dads – at every age.
Linda’s last blog post..12-Step Program for Wedding Gift Registry
I have five brothers, and no sisters. I’m sure my dad loved to see me play Barbies and dress up like princesses when I was little, but what I really remember is that he insisted I learn how and do anything my brothers could (and possibly more). He taught me to change the oil, spark plugs, and even the alternator on the car designated for teenager use. He even paid me market price for oil changes on his car. I knew what every one of the tools in his tool box did, and when a cheap metal pipe would be more useful than any of them. I watched him put in sprinkler systems and install light fixtures. He made sure that I had the confidence to do things myself and the wisdom to get help when needed. The magic words were “I need a helper; can you come here?” and I use them with my own kids to the same glorious results.
[...] brings home what D is for Dad states clearly: How you treat the women in your life will have a huge influence on how your little girl will [...]
Amazing dads are few and far between. Too many times, the dad decides that the mom is more important. Kudos to you for knowing how important you are.
http://www.momstop.blogspot.com
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This is a post I can identify with. I have a 12-year old daughter and just seeing her develop into a young lady makes me all the more conscious about the kind of role model of men that I portray to her.
You are an amazingly good writer and I am sure an even better dad. I have much to learn from you. So glad I found your blog.
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@Mark -
Thanks for the comment and kind words! This being a daddy to little girls business is not for the squeamish! I’ll be checking out your digs too.