I need to see a man about a guinea pig
Dec 12th, 2007 | By Chuck | Category: Humor Central, Pointless PostsIt happened innocently enough I suppose. My wife and three year old daughter were stopping by Pet Smart to pick up some dog food. It turns out they were having a sale on Guinea Pigs, and as luck would have it my daughter just loooves guinea pigs. She took this opportunity to hold them and pet them and become hopelessly attached to them. My wife managed to leave the store without a terribly upset kid by saying those special words, “maybe Santa will bring you one.”
From the day they left the pet store to today each time the girl has been asked what she wants for Christmas the answer is a guinea pig. It was very clear that I was in real trouble and needed some way out of this without being the bad guy. You see, I have no desire whatsoever to have a guinea pig in the house. They are a rodent like any other as far as I’m concerned.
The days went by and I don’t think one passed without someone mentioning that Santa may bring the guinea pig on Christmas to this devilishly cute, disarmingly manipulative, darling little girl. It began to be less about the girl and more about getting at her father, namely me. My wife, my mother-in-law, Aunts and neighbors would all mention the promise of the guinea pig while suspiciously looking at me as the words would leave there mouth. I was obviously out numbered and needed something good to get out of this. And then it dawned on me.
The girl had yet to have a picture with Santa. The big guy was cool as long as he was dropping off gifts in the middle of the night but the moment he wanted to get all up close and personal she wanted no part of him, and we never pushed the issue. This was gold.
I say to the girl, “I think Santa will bring you that guinea pig if you tell him you want one when we visit him in a few days. What do you think?” She acted like she was fine with it, but I knew better. She was sure to crumble under the pressure when the moment struck. I was in the clear.
A day or two pass and mom and the girl are writing a card to Santa. All the card says is, Santa please bring me a guinea pig. The card is decorated with stickers and lots of love and sent on its way to Santa’s village. I choose to ignore this little event until days later when the visit with Santa is upon us.
There isn’t a line to see Santa as we stop by during the week in the middle of the day. We all slowly circle the miniature village in the center of the mall, allowing the girls to peek at Santa and get used to him before getting too close. It turns out we could have circled the old guy for an hour and there was no way these girls were going to see Santa. They just didn’t want to do it. Fine by me. We tell them we’ll try again next year and work our way back to the car. As we walk to the car my wife mouths the question to me, No guinea pig? I reply in kind with a grin and a shake of the head. No, no guinea pig.
The next day, after dinner, my wife mentions that her mother thinks I’m mean for not allowing the guinea pig. I reply with, ‘tough’ we had an agreement. My wife nods her head and says she knows and then she follows up with this…
… I’d hate for her (the girl) to not like Santa as a result of this, or feel like she did something wrong. I mean, she did write him a letter asking for the guinea pig even is she didn’t tell him in person.
I’m not going to win this am I? It seems I need to see a man about a guinea pig.
* Christmas has come and gone. Want to hear the end of this story? There is an update in the comments! Happy New Year! - 12/28/2007
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Guinea Pigs are cute though! I don’t have any desire to get a rodent, but sometimes the kids say they want one. It’s my wife playing the role of Chuck in our house. I’d roll with the rodent, but no way it’s gonna fly with my wife.
@PG - Sure, they’re cute. I just don’t think I can handle another animal. One dog I like but I failed to mention in the post that we already have…
1 Fish
2 Dogs
3 Cats (1 indoor 2 outdoor)
2 Horses (both outdoor)
I believe I’m qualified to be a zoo-keeper.
You’re in luck (kinda). Guinea Pigs have a short lifespan, so you won’t have to deal with it for long. But then comes the barrage of lifespan, afterlife, etc. questions that comes after the rodent’s demise.
I just thought of something! If everyone thinks you are being Scrooge because of this animal what is the likelihood of Grandma, Aunts, neighbors, etc. each thinking of stepping up and giving her a guniea pig(s)? Be prepared for multiples.
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
The comment by Mike is scary!
You do already have a zoo. Maybe a grandma/aunt/other entity could house such a rodent (I agree with you) and your daughter could visit when there is time. Then it’s someone else’s full time job, and you get to play zoo-goer instead of zoo-keeper.
Next person that mentions it, give them the address of the pet store!
@Mike - Thanks…hadn’t thought of that. It may be time to bring everyone into the loop so I’m not duped further. My wife may have the girl convinced that a vanity is a better gift. All I’m certain of is the days are ticking away and Santa better figure something out soon!
@RobMonroe - I like you’re thinking! I could turn this around and explain to the girl how nice it would be to visit 3 or 4 different guinea pigs at various peoples homes! That’s brilliant!
I’m just glad you added that the horses were in the (outdoor) category….
I must admit, I’ve a soft spot for guinea pigs, you’ll melt when you see her with him anyway.
@ Mike — They may have a short lifespan, but don’t they multiply like, well, guinea pigs?
My new favorite short story, “Pigs is Pigs” by Ellis Parker Butler should serve as a cautionary tale to all potential owners of Guinea Pigs.
http://www.gutenberg.org/etext/2004
Hey, I have a snake at my house. And I’m looking for a snake-sitter!! It’s not as cute and fuzzy as a guinea pig, but still….
My fortune cookie says: “Welcome to the family, Guinea Pig”
@Patrick,
It takes 2. As long as Santa keeps it to a 1 pig minimum it’ll stay a 1 pig minimum.
@RobMonroe
I house sat for my sister once. She had half a dozen of these rodents. She begged me to take them out of the cage from time to time and have them sit on me while I stroked their fur. They always peed on me - every single one of them. Yeah, I know….karma.
I’m not a fan of “breakable” pets. Give me a good 70lb dog (any day) who can handle getting stepped on accidentally, and live to see another day.
I’m sure she’d rather wake up to a gift for which you saw a man about a guinea pig, instead of one for which you saw a man about a horse.
If my post had been as good as these comments we might break some records around here!
If you haven’t read the short story Patrick mentioned, “Pigs is Pigs” you really need to. Just a wee glimpse, the story discusses whether or not Guinea Pigs are of the domesticated pig type. Hilarious!
Did he happen to mention how great the 3 1/2 year old girl is with animals? It could be worse, she could want her OWN horse, cow, sheep, pig, goat, llama, chickens, or how about ducks!! (not one but all of them!!)
In defense of the poor innocent (currently un-purchased) guinea pig, they normally don’t bite, shed, make a lot of noise, they’re good with kids, cuddly and calm and really don’t look that much like a rodent. More like a large hamster without the attitude!!
Ok, Ok, I confess, I am one of the Aunts willing to buy that sweet, lovable, charming and caring little girl her Guinea Pig!
So, any names in mind Dad? *snort*
My cousin’s GP just died, after 6 years. Short lifespan, my bootie!
@Aunt Beth - You’re not helping…but you know that don’t you.
@ Secret Agent Mama - Wha… 6 years!!!
“disarmingly manipulative” ~lol~
You’ll be buying a rodent for Christmas, and you are going to love it!
You know I’ve never been known for staying on the sidelines….
Just you watch…you’ll end up liking that GP as much (or possibly more, may I dare say!!) as the girl will!!!
i want a guinea pig, too! i was never allowed to have one, as a kid…my parents claimed the cats would eat it and i accepted that answer.
so, when i went to college…i bought a gerbil…nikky, was her name. she was less expensive than guinea pigs. so, i bought her, a cage, a little wheel for her to play on…ending up spending my weekly allowance…and…she died, 2 weeks later…
so…my point…rodents don’t live long, even if you buy really nice things for them to play with.
Yikes!
I’m just going to stay tuned to this one. When I first read your post, I was right where Piper and some of the other commenters were, (thinking you were probably sitting down right this minute talking to that man (about the GP)) but then…
when I read about all the other animals you already have, and some pretty good ideas on how to get you out of it, I started pullin’ for you, but then…
up pops Aunt Beth…really committed, determined family members can be pretty powerful, so…
heck, I’m really wondering how this story is going to end!
Good luck, Chuck!
At least I haven’t pulled out the pictures of this devilishly cute, disarmingly manipulative, darling little girl’s (who as we all know has me tightly wrapped around her little finger ) mother with her Guinea Pigs when she was just a tich older than the above mentioned girl.
And even though she didn’t sit on Santa’s lap, her letter was awfully cute……………………………………………..Daddy
Makes me kind of glad my kids are allergic to anything with fur…it leaves most pets out of the question. Good luck!
Stephen’s last blog post..Thanks.
Dude, you are toast. Just lay down and take it like a man.
SWC’s last blog post..We Made It….
don’t do it man, those things are just one fork over from the rat on the evolutionary chain. Those fool things sleep all day and run on the wheels at night. Just think at 2am you will hear squeak, squeak, squeak, and not to mention that you will be the one cleaning out the cage, and feeding it, and …
Russ’s last blog post..Movie Star Students
Ha ha! I love this one!!! You are so a qualified zoo keeper! I will love finding out how you pulled this one off and whose house the guinea pig ends up at!!! Hey atleast you didn’t end up with the gecko too!!!!!
Are we to assume that NO GP was purchased for the girl? Did she really accept a stuffed one or a vanity?
A guinea pig update
The girl had one final opportunity to hold me to my promise as we visited the local zoo and its festival of lights just a few days before Christmas. As luck would have it they had Santa available for the kiddies, along with Mrs. Claus. The girl had no problem setting on Santa’s lap this time (with the Mrs. present) and when asked THE question, “Little girl, what do you want for Christmas?”, she replied with “a vanity”. Thank goodness! (the brainwashing worked…this time)
Well, Christmas has come and gone and I’m happy to report that we do NOT have a guinea pig in the house, but we do have a wee problem getting her away from the vanity.
My wife did get her a beanie type guinea pig thing that the girl thought was a small stuffed dog. I felt pretty good about this. If she isn’t “getting” the stuffed one, she doesn’t need to get the real one.
I’m thinking two more years.
I hope you all had a great Christmas!
[...] I’m not quite sure how it happened. It seems I should have just gone along with the guinea pig. [...]