The Unintentional Family Bed
Oct 29th, 2007 | By Chuck | Category: Public ServiceThe Back Story
It started when girl number 2 was just an infant. She was a terrible sleeper and the only thing that would calm her was to eat or cuddle with mom. Since mom breast fed the girls, eating and cuddling typically occupied the same physical space, our bed.
We didn’t begin this practice in the bedroom. The girl would be fed in a rocker in her room and after several weeks of her still not sleeping, and mom absolutely exhausted, the transition to the bedroom began.
Eventually we got her sleeping in her own bed, but never through the night. She would always wake at some point requiring coercing back to sleep. This was true in the crib months and into the toddler bed. Some things did change once she made it into the toddler bed.
Once free of the confines of the crib she took advantage of every opportunity to come into our bed in the middle of the night. We tried many things. A baby gate at her door to keep her in her room. Letting her “cry though it.” She was stronger than us in each of these trials and back in our bed she would be after several evenings of struggling.
The Conflict
What I’ve failed to mention thus far is that we didn’t hate having her in bed with us. We liked knowing she was safe and warm (not that she wasn’t in her own bed). We were comforted by the sound of her breathing and simply liked having her near us. The thing is we also knew that her waking up in the middle of the night, and waking us up in the middle of the night, was not good for anyone. No one was getting a good nights sleep and that just isn’t a good thing.
The Commitment
A few short months ago the girl turned three years old. The prior 6-8 months saw the occasional full night of sleep. This would occur maybe once every couple of weeks. By this time we had introduced girl number three into the family and at 6 months old or so she had her own sleeping and feeding issues that were keeping us up at night. I casually mentioned to my wife that we need to get serous about this sleeping issue, and get serious we did.
The Resolution
We put a digital clock in her room. Ok, we did a little more than put a clock in her room, but only a little. We explained that she could not leave her room and come into our bed until 5 AM. She was learning her numbers and was able to grasp the concept pretty well.
Three weeks into this experiment and she has not come into our bed once. NOT ONCE.
The Revelation
It wasn’t the clock. It was the rule. We had been too exhausted for too long to put together the answer to the problem. Once she had the boundaries clearly defined, she was onboard.
A week or so into this experiment my wife commented that she couldn’t believe we hadn’t come up with this sooner. Our daughter was behaving the same way we behave. Don’t tell us what should be done and try to force it upon us. Explain the situation and boundaries and we are right there with you. Duh.
A few similar posts:
October 29th, 2007 at 12:38 pm
Is that tactic parent pending? If not, I’ll have to store that in the ole brain for future use. Our girl’s not past the crib stage yet, but I can just imagine how those little legs with travel once mommy and daddy are asleep.
October 29th, 2007 at 12:52 pm
@ John: Parent pending
I like it.
Anything to help another Dad realize more than 3-4 hours of uninterrupted sleep is a public service as far as I’m concerned.
Thanks for commenting!
October 29th, 2007 at 2:08 pm
I just blogged about our kids in our bed a few days ago. We can’t seem to keep the oldest one out of our bed, and we can’t get the younger one to sleep with us even when we beg him!
October 29th, 2007 at 2:26 pm
Hi Momo Fali! Thanks for commenting. I remember reading the post you mention and I think I commented on it as well. Our youngest, fifteen months, has never slept in our bed and doesn’t seem to have any interest in doing so. Kinda sad, but I’m still getting used to mostly a full nights sleep so I’m not too sad…yet.
October 29th, 2007 at 8:18 pm
Pretty cool technique! I’m pretty lucky with my son. He maybe wakes up during the night a couple times per month and usually a few pats on the bottom will put him back to sleep. However, once he gets a bit older and can walk, I’m sure he’ll be finding his way to our bedside in the middle of the night. I will definitely file this way for use later if we need it. Thanks! BTW: Thanks for visiting my site!
October 29th, 2007 at 8:32 pm
@Jared: Wow! A couple of times per MONTH?! I can’t even imagine. I enjoyed stopping by your site. Your officially in my reader now.
October 31st, 2007 at 1:40 am
We don’t visitors at night unless they are on fire or being attacked by lobsters or something else ridiculous enough to get the point across that it never happens….well, maybe 2/3 times a year. Our 7 year old won’t come into our room unless she had a really bad dream and we usually let her lay with us until she is feeling better. Our 5 year old never lays with us…unless ill. Our 2 year old has a childs lock on her door preventing her inevitable escape. She sleeps with us never. She flips like a fish and takes up more room than Andre the Giant in a twin bed. I agree that rules keep the children aware of boundaries (key). Keep it up man, good work.
November 5th, 2007 at 1:33 am
That is why all three of my Baby Goats are in bed with their mother and I am sleeping in the top bunk! I don’t think my 10 year old is going to fall for the clock idea. LOL!
Thanks for the comment on my blog. Clearly, with writing like this, you are delusional. Expect more comments from me as I dive into your blog!
Thank you
Dan
November 30th, 2007 at 11:51 am
Girl #2 is very proud of her clock, She showed it to me herself!!!
You Go Girl #2!!!!!!!
October 2nd, 2008 at 11:59 pm
My wife and I have several children and something children always do is push to see how far they can go. Bedtime is probably the number one issue they push. As parents we love our children and give in to them on minor things and sometimes overlook the more important ones. I think we all have had children climb in with mom and dad to help get to sleep. I think your decision to set ground rules and enforce them with the clock was unique and obviously worked well in your situation. Our children were younger so it didn’t quite work that way for us. We would walk them back to bed each time and sometimes sit with them to help them get more comfortable. Children feel safer with mom and dad and bedtime can be a tough one. You did well and your technique was obviously successful.
October 3rd, 2008 at 5:40 am
@platform bed phil -
Thanks for the comment!