I wasn’t looking for inspiration in the Menards parking lot as I worked on a McDonalds burger during lunch, but inspired I was.  As I sat in the car listening to the latest ‘This American Life’ a seagull landed about six feet outside the drivers side window.

I know the vision of a seagull outside the window is far removed from anything very interesting and while I did not set and stare at the bird my gaze did come back to it time and again. It just stood there occasionally moving a bit but mostly just stock still with its back to me. It took several minutes for me to notice that it only had one foot.

As I watched the bird occasionally totter onto the bad leg and off again my mind wandered to my eldest daughter, girl #1.

She is at the height of pre-teen angst. Straddling the time between being twelve and thirteen and very often I don’t have any idea what she is thinking. Whether she is happy, sad, content, or in another emotional state, is usually a mystery to me. My lack of knowing is not because I don’t try, I do try. Sometimes I try too hard resulting in the not so nice stare just before the wall is put up.

The seagull is still just standing there. There isn’t even any food around, nor water that I can see. It also has no idea that I’ve taken an interest in it, that I am actually considering tossing a fry out the window.

I have lovingly referred to the girl as poker face since she was an infant. It was the most difficult thing to get her to smile, or even cry for that matter. She has maintained this stony exterior all these twelve years and while I have learned to expect it, I have a difficult time accepting it. I want to fix whatever is wrong. If there is something wrong. And therein lies the problem. I just don’t know if there is anything wrong.

The seagull has moved a little further away. It seems to be deciding on which side of the white parking space line it wants to stand on. Looking at the seagull’s leg it is clear there is something wrong. It is also clear that the bird either doesn’t care or learned to adjust, maybe both.

It seems I may have left the impression that the girl is devoid of expression. This is certainly not the case. I have seen her happy many times, elated a couple of times and sad a few times. My frame of reference is rather small though, which is something I need to constantly remind myself of.

She is the second child born of my first marriage and she does not live with me.  While we see each other every other weekend, and occasionally an hour or two throughout the week, this simply isn’t enough time to KNOW ones daughter. At least I don’t think so. It is enough time to try though, to really try. It is certainly enough time for her to know that she is loved by her dad.

I know the girl can be happy, that she has good friends and does well in school. I also know that sometimes she will come up behind me and give me a hug for no good reason. When she laughs it is the best sound, and when she is playing with her younger sisters nothing can make me warmer inside. Yep, she’s doing just fine.

I’m the one that needs to keep it together

The seagull has decided to fly away. Nothing spooked it or came near it, it was just time for it to go I guess. I paid close attention when I noticed the bird open its wings. I wondered if it might struggle with its balance for a moment before taking flight. It didn’t. It left the ground as gracefully as a seagull can.